Difficult Conversations – The Pathway to Change
Posted: Monday, November 23, 2009
by Val Hastings
Coaching4Clergy
Whether your goal is for your church to grow, stop shrinking or to just plain stay open, some things are going to have to change. Churches are closing all over the world and if you do nothing different, yours will be among them.
Change is never easy, and being a leader in a time of change is going to mean having difficult conversations with your members and staff. Recognize that you are both pastor and prophet here. As the pastor, you keep the peace and care for the people who are struggling with the change. But as the prophet, you speak the truth. You show people the current reality, including in fact, highlighting where the problems are.
- Your church is like a family. We tend to tolerate behaviors we would never accept in a work environment, all in an effort to keep the peace.
- The church is a microcosm of the world. People seek solace and sanctuary in the one place they think will never change. At the same time, the unresolved issues and stressors of the real world will infiltrate church life as well.
- Your church is in palliative care mode. If you see your church inching towards closure, what does it matter if Mary takes an extra-long lunch break or if Nate doesn't finish his fundraising calls?
Second of all, because people want feedback they want to know they're doing a good job so they can feel a sense of achievement and fulfillment.
How to have difficult conversations
Before any conversations take place, make sure you are taking care of you. Practice extreme self-care so you have the emotional, physical and spiritual reserves to draw on when you need them. That includes a healthy sense of individuation a separation of you as a person from you as a pastor.
Next, schedule regular meetings with members and staff where you give them feedback. Tell them what's going well and ask how you can support them to stay on this track. Also, use these regular meeting opportunities to talk about your vision for the church, so that everyone understands where you're going and understand their own unique role in that.
If you notice any little problems along the way, if your intuition is telling you something isn't right, schedule a meeting as soon as possible. Do not wait for the problem to get bigger.
When it's time for the difficult conversation, try delivering a feedback sandwich surround your constructive criticism with two examples of things they're doing well. Keep your language as positive as possible and focus on the bigger picture of your vision.
Having difficult conversations is one of the best ways you can pull your church out of hospice mode and set it up to thrive. Hard times don't have to mean that your church is dying for good. Navigating these difficult conversations could be your path to resurrection, to a new healthy level of functioning and growth.
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